So yesterday I managed to get out of the house. Not on my own of course as that’s just a step too far at the minute but my husband was working from home and we went out to buy a new coffee machine our very first bean to cup machine! It’s flipping amazing (review to come soon!)! I am however absolutely wired this morning as my husband made me a double shot latte but we had to make sure I knew what I was doing so I made a double shot espresso which I couldn’t bear to waste so in that went too, 4 shots later and I’m bouncing off the walls!
Back to the point though, my anxiety is so high that I literally can’t leave the house on my own. It’s about time to go back to the Dr to increase my meds but it’s proving impossible to get an appointment. The system here is that we have to call at 8am on the day to get an appointment but it’s impossible to get through, last time I was on the phone for an hour and dialled 237 times and they had nothing but emergency appointments left which of course I took but the Dr had read my file and totally pre judged the situation and I was left feeling like a total time waster which does nothing for your anxiety and depression levels!
We’re having to call in re-enforcements for any school runs that my husband can’t do due to work and I feel horribly guilty for needing that level of help, I hate having to ask for help, I usually just suffer through but I can’t cope with the panic attacks so my husband insists he call his parents and I just hope that in another couple of week’s (after the easter holidays) that I’ll manage to do it all myself again, theres only 5 school days left after today so we’re just getting on with it.
Mental health problems are so hard to cope with, I look fine from the outside, I can put a smile on and just pretend if people pop round for a cuppa but that’s the extent of what I’m capable of right now. Having an ‘invisible’ illness can be harder than the ones where you can actually see the symptoms, it’s hard to make people understand that I’m not just lazy and faking it. It’s hard that I’m not the one at the school gate’s every day, it’s hard that I’m not the person they’re running to after school but right now it’s just not that simple.
Onwards and upwards right?
See you next time, Em xXx