Hi guy’s. Today I’m having a bit of a low one. The kid’s are bored and want to go out and do thing’s which isn’t unreasonable really but taking them out on my own at the minute is just impossible due to my anxiety. I literally can’t leave the house alone and even. The guilt has kicked in big time which is making me feel even worse. This is even worse that when your kid split’s their head open while you’re in charge or get’s their fingers shut in the car door.
Instead of going out there’s film’s, colouring, crafting and even the dreaded computer games which cause no end of bad attitude’s, tears and tantrums.
I though’t I’d be feeling better by this now as I’ve been on some form of anti depressant’s for 5 week’s but although I’m feeling a bit more positive and upbeat th4e anxiety is still just as bad as it ever was and my sleeping pattern hasn’t improved at all. I can’t help think that if I’d just stayed on the first type on anti depressant’s I’d be feeling a lot better by now. Cue more guilt and feeling selfish for switching but I was desperate for something that might help me sleep, if I don’t start getting some sleep soon I mioght just go off the deep end completely.
You just don’t think when you start having children that thing’s can be so hard. I love them with all my heart but when you’re having a particularly hard tim with depression and anxiety it’s really hard to cope with the every day thing’s that having children necessitates. Even dragging myself out of bed in the morning is a challenge because I just know how my day’s going to be and I don’t want to have to face it. I do my hair and put my make-up on so I look normal to the world but inside I just want to curl up in a corner in some kind of blanket fort and just shut everything out.
Yes I’m not feeling as bad I was a few week’s ago but until the anxiety start’s to get better and I can actually leave the house unsupervised like the grown woman that I am I just don’t think that I can mentally get any better? It’s a vicious circle, I feel ridiculous and my husband’s willingness to be the adultier adult is starting to wane. I want to be me again. I want to pack a picnic and just start walking and go on an adventure with the kids. I want to go meet a friend for coffee. I want to take the kid’s to the farm or the zoo. But I can’t. All I can do is try my best to keep them occupied indoor’s and the guilt is enormous. Kid’s need to be outside, they need to run around and get dirty and experience things.
The guilt is real.
See you next time, Em xXx