Hi guys I’m making a sheepish return after being mia for 3 months now so I thought I’d explain why I’ve not been posting.
I was all excited over the summer holidays about the prospect of actually being able to blog and get things done when my youngest started full time school. I wasn’t looking forward to her not being here but I thought I could just fill my days with useful things and enjoy her (and my other children) all the more when they were here but when she actually did start it hit me really hard. I lost all motivation for anything and just retreated into myself. I stopped looking after myself and I’ve been living on coffee and junk food which just makes everything worse! Of course now I know that depression was rearing it’s ugly head again but at first I was in denial and just told myself oh I’m just tired and catching up on all the rest etc that I’ve missed for 12 years of having at least 1 child under 5 at home but 3 months later when my motivation still hasn’t returned and I feel drained constantly I’ve had to be honest with myself and admit there’s a problem. I need to sort this out but the thought of being medicated again just fills me with dread. I always just feel numb on anti depressants and just not bothered about or involved with anything and I hate it. Along with my depression returning I’m suffering with severe anxiety problems which as anyone who suffers with this will know it just compounds everything and can easily overwhelm you.
I’m back in a place where I rarely leave the house in fact I avoid it at all costs. The school run is horrendous, I’m the mum in the corner who stands looking at the floor saying nothing and in the rare even another mum talks to me I panic so badly I just need to get out of there. I’ve shut myself off from friends and can’t even find the energy to reply to their messages, I’m not being rude I just have nothing to say. I’m past being embarrassed about this, why should I be? Mental health is just as important as physical health, just because an illness is invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
As ever I’ll keep trying to fight this but at the end of the day I think this may be something I’ll never get rid of and I need to find a more long term solution before I crack up completely which to be honest feels like it could be sooner rather than later.
See you next time, Em xXx